Photobombers Should be Euthanized

Let me paint a picture for you:  You're at a coffee shop. You're on a date. The date is going really well. It was only supposed to be an hour long date at Espresso Royale, but one hour quickly became three hours. Hell, you just missed your shift at work! It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters but this. You haven't felt a connection like this in a very long time. You honestly feel like this conversation could last forever. After you both escape the trance of the other's voice, you realize that life must continue. You both want something to mark this event in your lives. They ask for a picture. You agree, knowing your friends will never believe that you actually went on a blind date that worked out.

You return to your car and take a seat, exhaling deeply as you reflect on the day. You look down at your phone at the picture you've just taken, to remind yourself that what just happened was real. There are your two faces, elated with the joy  of a perfect afternoon. It would be the perfect picture, if it wasn't for the overweight Caucasian male with hipster glasses, crossed eyes, and lewd hand-gestures clearly directed toward your camera. Full of anger and despair, you rev your engine and speed out of the parking lot, only to be blind-sided by a semi-truck. Your funeral is next Thursday. 

Situations like this could be easily avoided, if only assholes would get the fuck out of pictures that they don't fucking belong in. Seriously. I can't believe I lost the vote on this shit. The Reddit for photobombing describes this activity as "making boring photos better." Seriously?

This is what is wrong with America. The stupid fucking egocentric idea that every picture is somehow automatically better because it has your dumb-fuck face in it? You know what's really funny, photobombers? Showering yourselves with turpentine and jumping into an open flame.

There is nothing clever, creative or original about photobombing. You're simply doing what hundreds of thousands of children have done for decades. When kids put up bunny ears in pictures, we yell at them to correct their idiotic activity. But they have an excuse. They don't know any better. To them, the world is all about them. That's not what adults do. We show empathy for others by not cutting in lines, not talking in theaters and not purposefully putting our faces into other people's photos.

The act of photobombing is intentional, and there are plenty of instances where animals ruin pictures taken by humans. These are funny, because the animal doesn't know any better. A horse isn't TRYING to be a dick when he gets in the way of a photo, he just doesn't know any better because he's a stupid fucking horse. If you're guilty of photobombing, remind yourself that you know better. You're not creative. You deserve to be shot behind a barn.

I can't believe I lost this fucking vote.

Akshat and Dan should be ashamed. 

- Marc

On Soup, and its place in the American Meal

I'd had a long day. Well, the day was the normal length, as most days are. But it felt long. You've been there. You know. Between work, study, and watching your poorly drafted, poorly managed fantasy football team showcase your boneheaded decision-making week after week, life can get you down. And some days, the only respite from the milieu of the web 2.0 life that we live in, is dinner.   

And so I had dinner. A nice bowl of soup. Delicious, warm, soup.  

And I was still hungry. Not for food, mind you, because I was perfectly satiated with the soup. The soup was good. You would have liked it. You should have been there.  

I was hungry for justice. 

For if soup can no longer survive the cutthroat world of dinner classifications, then what are we left with? An appetizer. An app. 

In this economy?  

Look, the country is hurting, we know this. Jobs are low, unemployment is high, and no one can find any work. In this world, can we truly afford such opulence? Can't we just be happy that we have something, anything, to eat at the end of the day? Are not these greedy delusions of deserved luxury what led us down this rabbit hole in the first place? Should we keep indulging them? I say no. I say take back the meal! Take back the economy! Let's throw those plutocrats out of their ivory Washington White House towers! Take back the meal, take back the White House, and then (and only then) will we see this country lifted back onto the rails of success. Once that happens, listen, do what you want. You wanna eat more after having a nice soup dinner? Feel free, the world's your oyster cracker. But until we fight, until we accomplish the things that need to be accomplished, we cannot afford this lavish behavior. We have to be strong, we have to suffer. We have to concede that soup is dinner. You don't have to like it. You shouldn't like it. You should fight! Take back this country! 

Hey, wait. You're not going to do that on an empty stomach are you? I wouldn't. Here, try this soup. I made it for you. Let's have dinner together. 

- Akshat